cookdi:

December 20, 2018

1:35 am

One of the hardest things I’ve ever went through was a miscarriage. No one really talks about these things, it’s something I’ve never told anyone ever since I left. I feel like no one will understand. It’s been 5 years. Sometimes I still get nightmares and wake up covered in sweat feeling like I’m back in the room where it all happened. A few seconds later I realize that it was just a bad dream from the past. You were just over 6 weeks old and I loved you so much. I was so excited to meet you and couldn’t wait for the day I’ll finally be able to hold you in my arms but that day never came. All I wanted to do after was die. I couldn’t take it anymore, the pain, grief, depression, everything. I was so heartbroken. I wanted to be where you are. The weather is getting cold. A few more days…..

I still remember you. I’ll never forget. I can’t help but wonder what life would’ve been like if you stayed with me. I get so envious of mothers with their newborns and babies. These baby showers coming up and social media filled with “exciting news” really gets to me. I try my best not to overthink. Even he has a 1 year old daughter now. I cried a lot when I found out. Not because their baby survived through pregnancy and he has a daughter now… but why didn’t my own survive too? Life is so unfair. He gets to be a real father for the rest of his life but what about me? Will I ever get a second chance? I don’t know if I count as a “mother” but even if I lost you. I’ll always be your mom.. Life has changed so much since and we’re not together anymore. Me and your father. It destroyed us, our relationship, and we lost ourselves trying to fit the pieces back together. Without you what was the whole point? What kills me the most is that it was our fault, not yours. I am so, so sorry. I stopped blaming him for everything because I was also at fault. Maybe things would’ve been different if we were the way we are now back then. Maybe if we stayed a little stronger, extra careful, and tried to work things out while you were still with us but I believe God works in mysterious ways and this was His plan. I’m happy for him and his family. I guess I really wasn’t ready yet but I thank God in every way to have let me felt the happiness and love you brought me. Even if it was just for a moment. I have a million many more things to say but next time. One day we’ll meet again, my angel. I’m happy knowing you’re safe in heaven for no one will take great care of you better than our Lord, Father does. I am afraid of what the future will bring. If this happens again I don’t think I’ll handle it twice the pain but I will try my best to stay strong for you.

You would’ve been been born on August, 2014 and be 4 years old this year.💞

Everyone has a story they’ve never told in person and today I’ve told you mine. For anyone who has gone through what I did, you are not alone. I understand.